DATE: 12/30/2003 10:51:00 AM
Peering into the Palantir - In the spirit of the season, I offer a few of my own predictions for the upcoming year:
- In a desperate attempt to prop up his campaign, John Kerry offers to show off his war wounds during a Democrat debate, thus becoming the first candidate for president to drop his pants on national television.
- Pre-election polls will show President Bush with support at 60 percent. The New York Times calls the poll proof that the country is "evenly divided"
- "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" will not win Best Picture at the Academy Awards, prompting millions of film fans to ignore the Oscars yet another year.
- After losing the nomination, Dennis Kucinich returns to his home planet.
- Howard Dean attends a NASCAR race to connect with 'regular people.' He will leave in a huff upon realizing there is no bike path at the Daytona track.
- During the 'All-Star Survivors' program on CBS, one of the tribes kidnaps host Jeff Probst and threatens to use him for rations unless given immunity for the rest of the show.
- In an attempt to appeal to religious conservatives, Howard Dean changes his favorite song from "Jaspora" by Wyclef Jean to "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.
- Someone hits Bill O'Reilly.
- Saddam Hussein cries while being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil is brought on the show to help the former dictator deal with his childhood abandonment issues.